Unlocking Connection: Overcoming Ultra-Independence as a Trauma Response

I was scrolling Facebook, minding my own business when I read, “Ultra-independence is a trauma response.”

This stopped me in my tracks and I reread it a few more times.

For decades, I wanted to do all the things myself. I was not going to ask for help or look like I needed help. I didn’t want to feel vulnerable or look incapable by asking. I didn’t want to need help.

I wasn’t going to allow myself to be hurt or disappointed by someone’s response to a request for help.

But holy shit, this was a lonely and closed-off way to live.

My brain was telling me if I did it all myself then I wouldn’t be hurt or look bad. I could avoid pain.

But the opposite was true.

I wouldn’t let people get too close and I was pretty miserable and lonely.

I’ve gotten a lot better about not taking on all the things and I’m actually getting very comfortable asking my wife for help. Both feel so much better! I have A LOT more energy and my heart is happier because I have an amazing group of friends and family who know the real me.

If you feel like I used to, I encourage you to test your theory. Ask a friend or your spouse to do something for you that you’d usually do yourself. Something small and just for funzies. You’ll show your nervous system that you’ll survive, they’ll probably be happy to help, and you’ll start to change your mind about having to do everything yourself.

Because that’s no way to live.

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